What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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