just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
