You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
