So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
