What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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