anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
