i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
