Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
