I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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