True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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