worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
