Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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