god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Send help, water and tortillas.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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