seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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