Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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