I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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