Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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