I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize