I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
