Apparently you make a good broom.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
