I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
