her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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