is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
