3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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