You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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