I just pynch a tree in the face
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
