I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize