His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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