OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
