I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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