I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
