A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I will die if light touches me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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