Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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