Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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