you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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