your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
