I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize