If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
