I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
