i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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