hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
