Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
