Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
whose parrot is this?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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