My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
