dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
