Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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