the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize