Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
