you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
