Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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