You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
