Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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