I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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