I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
