Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
