Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
a search helicopter?!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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