kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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