it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
