i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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